Thursday, January 12, 2006

Girls Scouts Are Evil

Just as the new year begins and everyone and their mother is struggling to keep up with new year's resolutions to eat better and get in shape those evil little pixies start knocking on doors to deliver those cookies you ordered back in the old year.

That was the old you. You don't eat cookies anymore. You are on a new diet, or better yet, you have made a lifestyle decision to eat better (see Weight Watchers for more about lifestyle vs. dieting explained). How did this happen? How could you have possibly chosen to order these extra pounds for your hips, belly and thighs? No way! You don't do those things... anymore.

Those sweet little girls are really just relentless masters of marketing. They plan to come at the end of the year, just prior to Christmas with their little smiles and green sashes showing those little merit badges they've earned. They just need to get the one for selling cookies. Awww, how cute. To make it worse they usually employ mom or dad to stand about ten to fifteen feet behind them on the sidewalk. This might seem to be something the parents choose to do, to make sure that the girls are safe as they go door to door, but I think it's something else. I think there is a Girl Scout Marketing Manual out there that suggests using the "Distant, But Visible Parent Marketing Tactic" to guilt us into buying cookies from their kid.

How in the world could we turn them down? If you do, all they need to do is to give a soft whimper, look longingly over their shoulder at mom as if to say "I am sorry mommy. I didn't mean to disappoint you, but this very nice man says he is a diabetic and that he cannot eat cookies. Please don't beat me when we get home for disappointing you". Of course mom is oblivious to this ploy. She really thinks she is there to ensure her daughters safety and to provide moral support as she ventures out into the cruel world of cold calling.

But the tactic works. And they know it. All I need to see is a little child about to break out into a full blown cry when I inevitably end up saying "okay, okay! It's alright! I'll buy a box of Thin Mints and a box of Caramel Delights. No, just one of each, thank you. Now please don't cry here on my doorstep. I don't want the other neighbors to think I am mean."

And that was just the neighbor girl. I'd forgotten about our nieces. We have a bunch. Thankfully only one of Girl Scout age lives in town with us. Mary placed an obligatory order with her. We are her god parents after all.

And thus I end up ordering cookies prior to making my new year resolution to get into better physical shape.

Did I mention that Mary sold the most cookies in her troop one year? Yup. And she still gets guilted into buying several boxes each year. Those little scouts are marketing geniuses.


Anonymous said...

Hey Dan... just thought I'd point out that you do have TWO daughters who very possibly might someday be Girl Scouts! I love reading your blog, its quite amusing! Hope you have a good weekend & God Bless!
P.S. Just thought I'd add that I joined the local GS troup up in Atchison and I wanted to ask you if you'd buy some cookies! :-D lol.

dhduff said...

I am well aware that the girls will most likely be Girl Scouts. I will likely become one of those sidewalk parents someday!

Since you were kind enough to bring this up, I will make sure that they hunt you down, wherever you are and force you to buy one of each type of cookie. You are a Godmother to one of them you know! You will be obligated!

thanbo said...

save the cookies they force you to buy today, and resell them when your girls get to the right age.