Friday, December 02, 2005

Yellow Wallpaper

Yellow wallpaper is all you need to think about to be able to pee in public. I know it works. I can prove it too.

During my last year at Syracuse I lived in a house off-campus with five other guys. There was Andy, Collin, Mark, Dan, Chris and me. Chris was also called "“Duff" because his last name was Duffus and I guess it was easier to call him Duff than Duffus. So, yes there were two guys called Duff living in the same house. There were also two guys named Dan. It caused plenty of confusion trying to figure out whom anyone was talking about at a given time. Were the phone calls for "Dan"” for Dan Powers or Dan Duff? When conversations or stories involved "Duff"” was it Chris Duffus or Dan Duff that they were referring to? Confused? So was I. All the time. But I back to advice on how to pee in public...…

Anyway, one night we went to Chuck'’s, aka Hungry Charlies for a few pitchers of beer and general carousing with our fellow students. Somehow, someone mentioned that they had "“stage fright"” whenever they had to pee in public. You know, the inability to pee when other people were either waiting in line behind you or at the next urinal?

Mark shared with us that he no longer had that problem. Turns out that Duff had a bathroom at his home which had yellow wallpaper. Whenever he had to pee in a public bathroom, he would just think about the yellow wallpaper back at the bathroom at his family's house and he instantly was transported to a place of comfort where he never experienced "stage fright". Mark had heard about this from Duff and one time had a chance to travel to visit the Duffus household and see the yellow wallpaper for himself.

Mark wasn't sure if someone else's visual cue could help him or not until he was out at a bar and encoutered "“stage fright"”. He tested it out. He visualized the yellow wallpaper at Duff'’s house and the seal/dam/floodgates were broken. Peeing in public was never again a problem for Mark. So while it wasn'’t a memory of his own bathroom at home, he was able to adopt it for himself once he had seen the actual wallpaper.

When Mark shared this remarkable story with me I thought I'd try it myself. It was Duff'’s visualization of his own family'’s bathroom so that made sense that it worked for him. Mark had seen it and was able to adopt it as his own. So knowing that it worked for these two I decided to test it out for myself. Now I had never seen the bathroom, the shade, color or pattern of the wallpaper. But that didn't really matter, right? I knew that this worked for Duff and Mark, so all I had to do was imagine what the yellow wallpaper looked like and I could use this as my own escape tactic to avoid not being able to void.

Let me tell you it works. Every time. Like a charm.

I still have never seen the bathroom that helps me out. That's why I know this can help anyone. If you ever feel a bout of "“stage fright"” coming on while you are using one of the public troughs at a sports stadium, just think about yellow wallpaper. Any shade or pattern will do. Just know that it worked for Duff who grew up using that bathroom. It worked for Mark who saw it once, and it worked for me because I believed in its power.

How'’s that for free advice?

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