Sunday, October 22, 2006

Go Belt Someone Today

As I was driving home Friday afternoon and stopped at a red light, glanced over to my right and saw two women sitting in their car. What I noticed first about these women was that both of them were smoking. What I noticed next was that neither one was wearing a seat belt. I guess if you don't care about what smoking can do to you the flipside of that is that you likely wouldn't care what a seat belt can do for you either.

I took a quick look around. I checked the cars in my rear view mirror, looked to my left and looked up ahead. Two other people were driving without their seat belts on. I was a bit surprised to see four people not wearing their seat belts. That was weird. I was just about a mile from the house and decided to play a counting game to see how many people would I find were driving without their seat belts on. I anticipated that I would see one, maybe two other people maximum driving without seat belts. I was only about a mile from home after all.

The rules were simple. If could not see a belt drawn over the driver's left shoulder I would count that as one. I did not count passengers nor did I count when it was questionable. It had to be clear that the driver was not wearing a seat belt. Thankfully (?) those not wearing a seat belt were frequently hunched over the steering wheel while driving, thus making it easier to spot. I didn't count the passenger of the first car I saw, so the game began with three.

So how many did I count within a mile of the house? Twelve. I counted twelve people who were clearly not wearing seat belts. I would guess there were more, but I had to pay attention to my own driving and could only count when I was at a stop.

I've often heard that most accidents happen within a mile of home. I've also heard terrible accounts of lives lost that all have a simple connection... no seat belt. My roommate at prep school had been in a coma for several months due to an accident he was in. He wasn't wearing a seat belt and survived. He was lucky. His passenger, also not wearing a seat belt, was not as fortunate.

Here are some statistics I dug up from James Madison University:
  • one out of every five drivers will be involved in a traffic crash this year.
  • Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death among people age 44 and younger and the number one cause of head and spinal cord injury.
  • Approximately 35,000 people die in motor vehicle crashes each year. About 50 percent (17,000) of these people could be saved if they wore their safety belts.
  • More than 90 percent of all motorists believe safety belts are good idea, but less than 14 percent actually use them.
  • For every one percent increase in safety belt use, 172 lives and close to $100 million in annual injury and death costs could be saved.
  • Safety belts when used properly reduce the number of serious traffic injuries by 50 percent and fatalities by 60-70 percent.

Go here if you want to read some more surprising stats.

I guess my point to this post is that you can educate people all you want, but they'll still do whatever they want even if they know it might cause harm to themselves. Here's a thought for preventing people from making a wrong choice for themselves when they get behind the wheel... why not make it impossible for a car to start without having the seat belt engaged? On second thought that would cause an uproar that the government is taking away freedom of choice and I'm sure someone would figure out a way around it anyway.

And the title? Back in the seventies there were some PSA's encouraging everyone to start wearing their seat belts. It had a very memorable, sing songy jingle "go belt someone today!" at the end of the spot as a friendly reminder that you can help each other remember to buckle up. I remember Kevin and Rod using it as an excuse to punch me in the arm. Two for flinching.

I never leave the driveway without my seat belt buckled. It may be annoying but I make sure my passengers do the same. If you don't wear a seat belt now, it's not too late to get into the habit. Go belt someone today.
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Bathroom Tip Of the Day #5

Always bring a writing utensil with you to the bathroom. The bathroom is where some of the greatest ideas are born. You're kidding yourself if you think you can remember those great ideas without writing them down. Heck, that's how I remembered the idea I had for BTOTD!
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Bathroom Tip Of The Day #4

If you do not see matches or a candle in the bathroom you MUST courtesy flush. Your family, friends, guests... next person in line, will thank you.
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Bathroom Tip Of The Day #3

If you want privacy you must lock the door. Telling a toddler you want privacy is like asking them to grow three feet taller in one day. It ain't gonna happen.
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Bathroom Tip Of The Day #2 (tee hee)

If you have a choice of stalls and one has the seat flipped up...pick that one.
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Bathroom Tip Of The Day

The toilets in our house have been clogged three times in the past week and this last one was a doozy. I arrive home this evening after picking up Hannah from school only to walk into the house, make a made dash to the nearest bathroom to hear Mary call out "No, no, no! Don't use that one. It's clogged!" Aarrrgh!

Now, since we've had three clogged toilets recently and I know who clogged the other two, out of pure curiosity I asked Mary who the responsible party was this time. She did not know, or at least feigned a lack of knowledge. I think she's protecting the guilty party. They are only six, four and three weeks old after all. What a good mom.

It really didn't matter who did it. I was the one who had to unclog it. And while doing so I began pondering bathroom etiquette. Bathrooms are really a great place for thinking and brainstorming you know. And what I came up with was this: If Anu Garg could build a huge following with A Word A Day otherwise referred to as AWAD, then why not do something similar with bathroom tips? And thus "Bathroom Tip Of The Day" was born.

Here's how it works, or at least how it will be tested out here. I will be posting a BTOTD (Bathroom Tip Of The Day) here each day until I run out of them or you tell me to stop. If it gains momentum we'll create an entry for it on Wikipedia, build a website for it to live, sit back and watch while millions start posting their own bathroom tips to share with everyone and then within a year sell it to Google for 1.4 billion. Sound good?

Here's the first BTOTD based on our recent clogging experiences:

BTOTD #1: "Crumplers clog while folders flow".

Learn it. Live it. Love it!
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Monday, October 16, 2006

Life Happens

It's been a busy life for us since baby #3 joined the family. I've been lax in updating the blog. So here's a brief recap of a few things that happened the past two weeks:
  • Ran out of wipes tonight (this should never happen!)
  • Ate asparagus four times
  • Girls to dance class and library on Saturdays (Mary and I take turns taking them)
  • Painted baby's room (lovely shade of pink)
  • Gram came to visit (thank you, thank you, thank you!)
  • Cat escaped the house multiple times
  • Dinner with friends who joined us on the trip to France
  • KU Med Annual Dinner
  • Attended one six year old birthday party
  • New carpeting installed
  • Marveled at the belly button falling off
  • Cleaned litter boxes every other day
  • Changed x number of diapers (I have no idea how many - just that Mary changed more)
  • Three trips to Costco
  • Attended one parent/teacher conference
  • Cleaned the house
  • Got the house dirty
  • Installed bunk beds, dresser and side table in girls room
  • Woke up each morning with the three girls in our bed and me in the middle getting kicked, scraped and pushed around. Mary says not to complain, but I am not a morning person.
  • Took 247 photos of our new daughter with her sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, coworkers and the doctor who gave Mary the epidural.
I'm sure I've left a few things out, but even so that's nothing compared to what Mary has been doing!
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Friday, October 13, 2006

KC's New Slogan...

"Kansas City - We Make It Easy For You To Get The #&!! Out Of Town!"

Read all about it here.
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Monday, October 09, 2006

Boris The Spider!


Look, he's crawling up my wall
Black and hairy, very small
Now he's up above my head
Hanging by a little thread

Boris the spider
Boris the spider

Now he's dropped on to the floor
Heading for the bedroom door
Maybe he's as scared as me
Where's he gone now, I can't see

Boris the spider
Boris the spider

Creepy, crawly
Creepy, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly

There he is wrapped in a ball
Doesn't seem to move at all
Perhaps he's dead, I'll just make sure
Pick this book up off the floor

Boris the spider
Boris the spider

Creepy, crawly
Creepy, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly

He's come to a sticky end
Don't think he will ever mend
Never more will he crawl 'round
He's embedded in the ground

Boris the spider
Boris the spider
-The Who

Found this guy in the laundry room. Scared the $#!+ out of me to see him there! Alas, after quickly running around to get a plastic cup and piece of paper to trap him I soon learned the that he was no more. Something else must have scared him to death...like one of the cats maybe, because he was dead.

Still...I don't know what kind of spider it is, but it makes me chuckle to think how such little creatures can make us big folk jump and run.
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Sunday, October 08, 2006

Noodle.Google.com

Here's an idea for the next evolution of search engines.

Name: Noodle.Google.com

Concept: A search engine that serves up content based on your personality type... based on your noodle (had to find something to rhyme with google).

I was reading a book on Carl Jung when I came up with this one. Jung's typing of personalities into four primary modes of experiencing the world: two rational functions (thinking and feeling), and two perceptive functions (sensation and intuition) is the foundation from which Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs Myers developed their Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) during WW II. The types the MBTI sorts for, known as dichotomies, are extroversion/introversion, sensing/intuition, thinking/feeling and judging/perceiving. Participants are given one of 16 four-letter acronyms, such as ESTJ or INFP, indicating what their preferences are. I have not heard this for certain, but it's my best guess that this is why there are 16 people on Survivor. I'm not sure they're still sticking with this approach, however I think the first Survivor may have been comprised of one of each type.

The point of MBTI and other personality typing instruments is that there are distinct personality traits that influence how people interact, think and approach life. It follows logic and experience to say that not everyone goes about solving problems the same way. Why not build a search engine that serves up results based on how your personality type thinks? An ESTJ (Extrovert, Sensor, Thinker Judger) and an INFP (Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeler and Perceiver) will, no doubt, go about solving a problem different ways.

So how would it work? If you know which one of the 16 types you are, all you'd have to do is to click your type and start searching. If you didn't know your type you could take a brief type survey and then have at it. Of course there might need to be a little bit of time spent building some kind of algorithm to actually be able to do this, and it would have to learn how the types search to be able to serve up relevant results. I'll leave it to a team at Yahoo! or Google or someplace else to figure out those details.
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Saturday, October 07, 2006

Squidoo Lens Rising!

Good news! Lot's of folks are visiting my Squidoo Lens on the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, which means I'm getting closer to my goal of being in the top 100 lenses on Squidoo. Currently my Wienermobile Lens is ranked #847 out of 43,937 total lenses. Soon I'll be up there with Rachael Ray and Elmo TMX.

We'll have a cookout at our place when it gets into the top 100! All I can say is... franks a lot!

Actually you all know I can say a lot more hot dog puns, but frankly I think you'd find them hard to stomach. Find that hard to swallow? Chew on this for a bit... I haven't even told you my wurst puns yet. See how I link them together... that's a sign of a good punster. And you know what they say about great puns when they are told? It's a rare medium done well. Okay, well that's enough for now. Ketchup with ya later.
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Friday, October 06, 2006

Getting Cheeky With Amtrak



Got plans yet for July 14, 2007?
If not, and you are looking for a little silliness you might want to plan a trip to Laguna Niguel, (Orange County) California. On July 14th of next year a few silly people will be participating in the 28th Annual Mooning of passing Amtrak trains.

How did this come to be? The official web site of the event www.moonamtrak.org shares this background:
"To best answer the story of the birth of the Mooning tradition, refer to the Sunday July 11, 1999 edition of The Orange County (California) Register newspaper, and the article headlined as, "Full moon over Amtrak keeps Laguna Niguel tradition alive", as follows: Twenty years ago (1979), at The Mugs Away Saloon, a K.T.Smith told his buddies he'd buy a drink for all who would run outside to the rail road tracks and "moon" the next train, which many did. The mooning tradition has prevailed, but there is no longer a volunteer to buy free drinks for thousands of "Mooners". "
I'm thinking about suggesting a trip out to California to Mary as a way to celebrate our 10th Anniversary next year. Gotta keep a little romance going right?
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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Door Dings

Wouldn't it be nice if all automobile manufacturers agreed on how to build car doors so that they all hit other cars at the same height? That way every car would have that little rubber strip in just the right place and we'd have no more door dings.

There should be an international standard set. Just a thought.
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Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Gadzooks! It's The MIT Massive Vortex Generator!




Have you seen an Airzooka? The manufacture describes it as "a fun gun that launches harmless rings of air up to 40 feet. You will be amazed when you are able to mess up a persons hair or knock down targets from over 40 feet away. Requiring no batteries, and shoots air, you will never run out of ammo. Because it shoots air, it is safe at any distance." The technical name for an Airzooka is actually a vortex generator. I got a bit geeked out learning that.

I'm thinking someone should build a huge Airzooka and takes it out at half time of college football games. It could be rolled up and down the sidelines blasting massive rings of air into the stands. Add a little theatrical smoke and you could have some giant smoke rings from it too. Tired of the half time band? Just turn the Massive Airzooka on em! The only band members left standing would be the tuba players.

I'm actually quite surprised that a school with an engineering program hasn't done this yet. The question should be which school will be the first? MIT, RPI, Purdue, Stanford, U of Illinois, UC Berkley?
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Monday, October 02, 2006

You Get What You Pay For

Hindsight vs. Insight.

For a client and an agency it's like going to the moon. Which would you rather do - be one hundred thousand miles off track and then look at what happened and figure out how to right the course - or get the right trajectory in place and launch in the right direction.

Hindsight vs. Insight? I'd go with insight.
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Saturday, September 30, 2006

Question of the Day:

Is it possible to be passionate about something and have balance in your life?
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Post #101

I just realized I hit the 100 post mark without saying anything about it. There's something special about making 100 posts. A lot of people make a note of it. Sam, just hit his last week (and he started blogging after me!).

I think my 100th post is a pretty good one as it is. I'll make plans to celebrate #200.
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Thursday, September 28, 2006

Hugs and Kisses

The day after Maggie was born, Hannah wrote a book about her. Her teacher stapled the pages but Hannah wrote it all by herself without any prompting. It made my heart melt when I read it. Here it is:








By my count Maggie got 20 "kisses", 17 "hugs" and 6 "loves" from Hannah. That's a pretty good first day if you ask me.
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Confessions Of A Dangerous Crumpler

"Daaaaad" she said. "Daddy, daddy, daddy, daaaaaaddddy! Look at me. Aren't I doing a nice job of folding my toilet paper?"

"Yes Grace" I said. "You are doing a great job folding your toilet paper. Who taught you to do that?"

"Emma taught me. I used to be a crumpler. It wasted a LOT of toilet paper before. Now I am a folder."

"That's great Gracie. Keep up the good work. Do you think you could teach Hannah?"

"Nope. Hannah's on her own. Gotta go! See ya!"

"Wait a minute! Get back in here. You've still got to wash your hands."

"okey doke!"
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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

She Huffed And She Puffed And...

she signed an eviction notice. Apparently that wasn't enough so the landlord, Mary Duff, called in the elite squads of Epi and Dural to complete the job. Together they calmed things down enough so that the two parties could work out an agreement.

After a twenty hour stand-off that started Tuesday evening Baby Duff #3 was ousted forcibly from her home Wednesday evening at 5:25 PM. A little worn out from the confrontation the baby's first words were "waaa!"

The squatter was later officially identified as one Margaret Ellen Duff, aka Maggie Duff. Weighing in at 7.6 lbs and a mere 18.9 inches, the landlord was please at the ease and quickness of the enforcement of the eviction once papers were officially served.

Big sisters Hannah and Grace have met Maggie and agree that she is "cute" and "little" and have invited Maggie to live with them until she is old enough to attend college or they fight over Barbie dolls. That will occur soon, but for now Ms. Duff is in custody at a local Medical Center for physical and psychological examination after her ordeal. She is slated to be released with the next 24 hours if all things check out okay.

Mary Duff stunned her real estate investment partner Dan Duff by announcing that given the right circumstances she might consider renting the space again. Dan Duff did not immediately respond, but later issued a statement stating that "while my wife has good intentions, we are going to wait until the medication wears off before making any further decisions on renting to new tenants".
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Sunday, September 24, 2006

Smash Therapy

I've been thinking about this one for several years now. It's solid and given the right location could be a money maker.

Name: Smash Therapy

Concept: A place where you can go and break stuff

Holden Caulfield inspired this idea. He smashed out the windows in the family garage the night his brother died. Peter Finch did too with the scene in Network when he announced on a broad cast "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore" and then promptly urging everyone to toss their TV sets out the window. Heck, David Lettermen does it all the time when he drops stuff off the side of the Ed Sullivan Theatre.

Whether you're frustrated, angry, want to vent or just like to break stuff Smash Therapy is a place for you. You can bring your own items to break or destroy. Like that picture of your cheating ex and that stuff teddy bear they gave you. Why not post the photo on the target wall and tagged it with a paint ball gun, then put the bear in the industrial size shredder. Or just break some beer bottles against a brick wall (we're into recycling here). Or line up for the bowling ball smasher where you can pick a ceramic item, set it up on a pedestal and fling a bowling bowl attached to a chain (mounted on to the ceiling) and smash the object to pieces.

Still need to vent? Why not sign up for a minute in the sound proof yell room? Before you go in be sure to write what your angry about on the chalk board. A sound meter will rate your decibel level. Highest decibel gets a gift certificate. The options for destroying items is endless and constantly being updated. Bring your friends. Make it a party. Have a theme night (Raider Hater night in KC would be a hit). HR departments could include gift certificates with pink slips.

It's not entirely just about breaking stuff. It's a safe outlet for getting out aggression. Smash Therapy also provides information on real therapists and access to help lines. Scented candles, soothing oils, books, tapes, you name it are also available. The goal of Smash Therapy is to bring in angry customers and send them away knowing they were able to go to a place to safely vent their frustrations.

All this can be yours should you choose to implement it for the low, low, price of: give credit to Dan and the 1%/1% deal stated in earlier posts (to be referred to from this point as the "One for me/One for charity" arrangement).

Oh, some possible tag lines "Go Break Something Today", "Da, da, da, ta, da...I'm breaking it!", "Get Smashed", "Smashing Baby. Simply Smashing!"
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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Another Biz Idea!

This one comes from my brother. He said it was cool to share as long as he gets credit.

Name: Saved By The No Bell

Concept: An on/off switch for the doorbell

Someone must have thought of this one before, haven't they? Kevin emailed me to tell me about a conversation he and his wife had while at dinner a few nights ago at the home of some close friends. They all have kids ranging from teens to tots. Here's what he said:

"It came out of a conversation we had with friends over dinner last weekend in which we were kvetching over solicitors and zealots ringing the bell when babies are napping. I'll bet almost all parents have experienced this concern, which is what makes it an attractive idea."

So there you go... an idea for someone to implement.
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Monday, September 18, 2006

Free Business Opportunity Idea

I have lots of ideas. Lots. And quite a few are for new business opportunities. I know that there is no way I'll ever implement some of these, so instead of just letting them sit in the back of my head collecting dust, I've decided to share them. I am sharing them with anyone who will put these ideas into action. All I ask is that if you end up using one of these ideas and have any success, that you simply send me 1% of the gross revenue and give 1% of gross revenue to a charity. Hey... I gotta make a living somehow right? The charity can be anyone of your choosing. In the interest of all I'd like to know which one you choose. Deal? Okay, here's my first of many free new business ideas:

Name: Funny Gram's

Concept: Singing telegram's delivered by retired Grannies.

I got the idea while traveling back to Kansas City from Chicago via Amtrak. While sitting in the viewing car I did some people watching and noticed a group of what I could only describe as cute, little, old granny types, sitting at a table playing cards. It dawned on me that as Baby Boomers get older, more and more will be hitting retirement age and might like a fun way to earn a little "mad money". All they need is to have reliable transportation to get to assignments on time and be willing to sing a song that would be written for the occasion. They could do it how ever they wanted. The more creative grannies would of course earn bigger tips. Wouldn't that be a hoot?

All orders could be taken via web site and then farmed out to various grannies who have signed up throughout the U.S. Heck, this could be global!

So, there you have it. A business idea cooked up on the train in about three minutes.

Let me know if you give it a shot!
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Friday, September 15, 2006

Troops Vs. Soldiers

Somebody help me understand this please. Why do media outlets report "4 U.S. Troops Killed In Iraq" vs. "4 U.S. Soldiers Killed In Iraq"? I don't get it. Troops is plural. Troops is supposed to refer to a group of soldiers or a military unit. Referring to a soldier as a troop makes me feel like we are distancing ourselves from the individual. It seems more like an anonymous drone that is being referred to, rather than an individual who is performing a very specific, often dangerous role at the direction and discretion of our military and government leaders. I'd much rather know that an individual gave their life for our country than hear that a "troop" had been killed. I'd really rather hear that no one was killed, but troops seems too distant and we need to be closer and real and understand that those who are really at risk have a name and a face and are individuals. Okay...short rant, but this really bugs me.
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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Consider Creative Commons

I first read about Creative Commons about four or five months ago. I wanted to learn more and so I did some poking around at the site and learned that it's a pretty cool thing. There are a wide variety of types of Creative Commons Licenses that you can put on your site. What they do is let visitors to your site know how you feel about people using your creative property. Your creative property can be anything from photography, music, lyrics, short stories, articles, artwork... anything you create. And it's free.

I decided that with all the surfing going around, sharing of links and at the off-chance that a visitor to my site might possibly like what I have posted and want to use it that I had better get a Creative Commons License on the site. Heck, what if someone wanted to use my stuff and couldn't find me to ask for permission? A license on the site tells them right away how I feel about using my stuff.

And that's just what happened. Rod Taylor at CoActive Marketing was doing some research on an article he was writing for Promo Magazine and came across this blog. He liked several of my posts and wanted to use excerpts in his article. I found out later that he tried to reach me to talk about this before he submitted the article, but silly me did not have my email address on my blogger profile (I do now). But because I had the license on the site he knew what my comfort level was with repurposing my stuff. The license I chose basically says that as long as you give me credit and do not alter it without my permission you can use it however you want. And thus he did.

Oh, and the article? What was it about you ask? What else but the Wienermobile. If you are interested you can read the article here.

I emailed Rod after I read the article to give some props for a great piece and that's when I found out he tried to contact me but couldn't. I don't have actual confirmation that the license on the site gave him peace of mind to know that he could use it without actually having to speak with me about it. But he used it the right way.

When I started writing this blog I did not think that someone would use my posts as content for an article or really anything else. Signing up for Creative Commons license was just a lark... you know just on the off chance that it might happen. Looks like that happened sooner than expected. And that is fun.
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Friday, September 08, 2006

Do You Squidoo?





Seth Godin is at it again. He's started something new. Something called Squidoo. Here's a brief description from the site itself:

"We have built a new online platform and community that makes it easy for anyone to build a single page--called a lens--on a topic, idea, product or cause he is passionate about. These lenses in turn help finders get unique, human perspectives instead of computer-selected and often irrelevant search results. Not only can Lensmasters spread their ideas, get recognized for their knowledge, and send more traffic to their Web sites and blogs—they could also earn royalties..."

Well, that was all I needed to read...spread my ideas, get recognized for my knowledge and send more traffic to my blog. Oh, and earn royalties?!?!? I'm in!

It took about an hour and a half to build my lens and get it up and running. All without a clue as to how to write HTML or anything like it. And just what lens did I create? What do I dare to think I'm an expert on? The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile of course. Okay, I may not have all the info on the big dog, but I did drive it for a year, visit well over a thousand grocery stores, hospitals and schools. Not to mention handing out all those wiener whistles, going to the SuperBowl, All-Star game, getting on the Today Show and getting quoted in every major newspaper in the country. There's also the time it was towed, driving without a heater in Buffalo in the dead of winter, hanging with Little Oscar and that little run in with the Canadian government we don't talk about... enough experience for me to feel comfy saying I have a bit more knowledge than the average bear on the subject.

So, check it out: www.squidoo.com/wienermobile.

There you can find links to all things Wienermobile related. Photo sets on Flickr, recent posts on blogs from technorati, auction items on ebay, books and movies about the dog at amazon.com as well as a whole list of links I've supplied to various sites on the web with info on the vehicle, it's history and how to become a Hotdogger.

Now that I've got an official site on the subject I think Mary just might let me take the boxes and boxes of Wienermobilia I've collected out of the office closet and put it up around the house. You'd think she'd be open to it. After all, if it wasn't for the Wienermobile and my Hotdogger-in-crime Jeanne, Mary and I would have never met.

Oh and while your there please leave a comment or ask a question. I'll be updating the lens all the time. And please share the link to my lens with everyone you know. My goal is to get in the top 100 of lenses. Right now I'm lens #4,765 out of 37,000+ lenses.

Thanks!
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Friday, September 01, 2006

Things That Amaze Me, Volume 1

  • Asparagus Pee
  • Breathing
  • Love
  • Watching Our Children Grow
  • How funny farts are
  • How much Mary hates the word fart
  • People who can play the piano
  • That the while the West Coast has Leno and the East Coast has Letterman & Conan, that the Midwest has no one.
  • David Byrne
  • The concept of time
  • Memories
  • The beauty of a well written Haiku
  • That even when I was able to fit 43 grapes into my mouth, Kevin was able to get 50+ in his.
  • Snarfing a piece of Eli's Cheesecake
  • The debate: Toe Cheese vs. Toe Jam
  • That people still smoke
  • The popularity of myspace.com
  • Dick Hoyt
  • That Pluto is no longer a planet, but Uranus is because Uranus is bigger.
  • That thing under there
  • That I just made you say underwear
  • That just because you get older most people think that means that you have to grow up

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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

No Go for OK Go At "Don't Go" Party

After I quipped that I should invite my favorite new band to our "Don't Go Into Labor" Day Party, Jeff suggested doing it for real. He said "Do. Invite them to your party. I think that's a very cool idea and one that you could leverage in your own 'power of social media' story."

So I did.

I sent an evite to the band OK Go. I invited them to come chill with us in the backyard for a few hours. Maybe play some badminton, hang in the hammock, listen to the End of Summer mix I made on iTunes, have a tall cold one. You know...just chill and raise a glass to the end of summer.

Alas, they cannot make it. But at least they were kind enough to reply. Here's what they wrote:

"Thanks for the invite Mary & Dan. Wish we could make it, but OK Go is going to be in CA this weekend. See you next time in KS! Damian, Dan, Tim, Andy"

Gotta give these guys some props for actually responding to the evite. After checking out their web site, blog, message board, myspace page, flickr group, podcast, newsletter, videogame, YouTube group and some of the fan based interactivities they have in place it's clear these guys get it. They are authentic and their using every arrow in their cyber quiver to get people on the OK Go bus. The best part of all of this, is that it is working. They're talking to fans and fans are talking back. There is no wall between the band and the fans.

Check out the YouTube OK Go dance group. They've challenged fans to video tape themselves doing one of the bands' dances. They've got 154 entries so far.

And the Fan Correspondent idea. Brilliant. Here's how they describe it:

Here's how it works: We'll pick one Fan Correspondent for each show and give them a ten minute interview with one or more band members plus free reign to document the show on video in any way you want--you can interview fans, fight the merch guy, or just set up the camera and let it roll. It's all up to you.

There are only three rules:
1) The band interview will be no more than 10 minutes
2) You have to use your own video camera
3) You have to edit and upload your footage to our YouTube group within a few days of the show

I'll definitely invite them next year, but with more than a weeks notice so they can plan accordingly.
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Monday, August 28, 2006

My Emmy Award Awaits...

Okay...indulge me for a second here...I came up with a new TV show idea.

It's about a guy who built web sites for the sole intention of collecting email addresses that he could sell to spammers...he was a real dirt bag. Then one day he won the lottery. Things looked good up until the time he walked out of the 7-eleven with his winning ticket, got hit by a car and the ticket blew away in the wind. No longer a lottery winner, this guy decides it's time to make up for all the pain he caused selling email addresses to spammers. One by one he seeks out everyone whose email address he sold and tries to make it up to them. Name of the show?

My Name Is URL.
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Saturday, August 26, 2006

My Favorite New Band


I cannot stop watching this video. It is simply brilliant. Makes me want to do two things... go to iTunes and buy some of their music and... dance on a treadmill.

I want to meet these guys... I'm gonna invite them to our labor day party. Seriously.
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Friday, August 25, 2006

It Really Is The World Wide Web

Who knew I'd be known world wide? Certainly not me. Certainly not anyone who knows me. But apparently I've started developing some international attention. In the past few weeks I started tracking where visitors to this blog were coming from. While 95% were coming from the states (thanks for all the traffic mom!), 5% were from overseas.

In the past month I've had international visitors from:
  • Japan
  • United Kingdom
  • France
  • Phillipines
  • Australia
  • Austria
  • Canada
  • Malaysia
  • Netherlands
  • Israel
  • Czech Republic
  • Syria
  • Jordan
  • United Arab Emerates
Okay, technically speaking Canada is not overseas. I know that. But seriously, Canadian's reading my blog? No way. Totally unexpected. Had to make the list.

And just why are they coming? To read this. Amazing isn't it. It is to me. Quite surprising really. So, I started thinking... A dangerous pastime - I know! But if people from all over the globe are interested I think I'll write a few more posts about life with the big dog. I've got a whole years worth of stories from life on the road to share. Question is, what should I write about next? Here are a few potential topics I've been thinking about:
  • Celebrity Encounters
  • Traffic Court
  • Getting Arrested
  • Lost in Montauk
  • Candid Camera
  • Goodwill Hunting
  • Hotel Tips
  • Road Safety
  • Long Distance Dating
  • How to get on TV
  • Hot Dog High
  • Paul Simon's Driveway
  • 4th of July
  • Super Bowl
  • All-Star Game
  • Late Night With David Letterman
  • Miss America Pageant
  • Howdy Doody Festival
Any other ideas? Requests? Fire 'em my way. This could be a whole new direction for the blog... who knows?

So to my international fans (ha!) I say: Thanks. Merci. Dank u. ありがとう. Danke. Σας ευχαριστούμε. !ךל הדות, הדות. dekujeme Vam. terima kasih!
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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Some Assembly Required

Last week I purchased a very nice bookcase from Costco. It came in a great big box with lot's of pieces and needed to be assembled. I have put together lot's of furniture that needs assembly. Chairs, desks, small bookshelves, a kid size bed. Sometimes I have read the instructions, other times not. This time I did and it made my day.

Check out the tools required:



The instruction booklet outlines thirty steps necessary to assemble the bookshelf. A friend is required to help with ten of them. A friend is needed to help you position and hold the base upright, lift and install the right side into the base, lift and install the left side into the base, install the fixed shelf into the holes of the partition and left side panel, install the fixed shelf into the holes of the partition and right side panel, slide the apron under the left side, partition and right side, elevate the top of the unit approximately 3 1/2" off the floor and place foam under it, and of course to carefully set the unit to its upright position and move to the desired location.

The particular evening I chose to put the bookshelf together I did not have a friend handy. It was late at night and Mary and the girls were fast asleep. So I chose to go it alone. I managed okay, but could not help but think while I was assembling the bookcase that I would have had more fun had I had a friend with me.

As I finished cleaning up I read one last part of the instruction manual. It read:

"We sincerely hope that you have enjoyed assembling your bookcase and that you will make good use of it."

That sounded like something a grandpa or favorite uncle would say while giving a gentle pat on the head... "Well, that's a mighty fine looking bookshelf isn't it? As long as you took the time to assemble it you might as well make good use of it. But before you run off and play, what say we take a seat on these here rocking chairs on the front porch and enjoy a tall, cool, glass of lemonade? Ah, yup. Building a bookcase. That's a good days work. Makes you feel like you got somethin' done. Good job son."

So, thank you Plycraft Industries Incorporated. And a big thank you to the Plycraft Industries Inc. copywriter who took what could have been a very boring job of writing out instructions and instead made it fun and memorable. I will look for more of your products in the future because you put a smile on my face.

Thank you my friend. Thank you.
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"The thing about bathtubs is...

... you never want to get in the bath, but once you do you never want to get back out."

-Hannah Duff, Age 5
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Saturday, August 19, 2006

Cat Tales

We had a cat a few years ago. We called him Thomas. His full name was Thomas J. J. Duff. The "J.J." stood for "Jumpin' Jehosaphat." Mary named him. Despite a few hard nibbles on an occasional passing ankle, and bringing live (and sometimes not live) bunnies into the house, Thomas was a good cat.

One day Thomas did not come home from his daily prowl around the neighborhood. Two days went past and he still was not to be found. I cruised the streets calling out his name, called the pound and local animal shelters, let the neighbors know he was missing and left food out for him. After three days it was becoming more and more likely that he was not coming home.

I wasn't sure how to break the news to the girls. I thought it might be good to get them used to the idea that he might not return, but not say it was definite. I wanted to ease them into the realization that he was gone. So on the fourth day I said to Hannah "Have you seen Thomas around?"

I thought this was a good way to start the conversation. I did not want her to panic if I said he was lost. She responded with "No. Do you think he ran into the street, got hit by a car and died?"

I was floored.

"Um, yeah, well, that may have happened. All we know is that he hasn't come home for four days and I wanted you to know that I've looked real hard for him. I don't think he'll be coming back."

"Okay. Can we get another cat then?"

Clearly she was okay with him being gone... As long as we got a replacement.

We did not pursue getting a new cat for several months. Then a woman who worked at Mary's office sent an email note out that she had found a stray that was litter box trained. She said she did not want to keep it because they already had two cats. She dropped of "Casey" at our house on a Saturday afternoon. We had asked her to bring the cat by so that we could see how he got along with the girls. It was our intention to check this guy out thoroughly before we decided to keep him or not. The woman who brought him left our house before we really made a decision. She just kinda said "Well, he's all yours. Good luck." And then took off.

We kept Casey in the basement for a while to make sure he got acclimated to his new surroundings and we were sure he learned where the litter box was located. Slowly he began to explore the rest of the house. But Casey had a problem. He had anger management issues. His idea of exploring was to go straight to the girls bedroom and pee all over the walls. He would even leave nice brown packages for us to find.

After a month of trying everything we could... save getting a kitty psychologist involved, we took Casey to a shelter. He would not get along with the girls. Looking back on it, the woman who brought him by the house must have experienced the same thing. Though he was a gorgeous cat, he crapped all over the place. I was more upset with that woman than the cat. She had to have known.

And yet, the girls still wanted to have a cat as pet.

It took several months before Mary and I were ready to try again. This time we went to a shelter to seek out a cat of our own. In Kansas City there is a great animal shelter called Wayside Waifs. They do a tremendous job taking care of stays and neglected animals. Thomas was from a shelter and we had always said we would get our next pet from a shelter.

We took the girls to Wayside Waifs so that they could help pick out our new cat. I was thinking the girls would pick out a kitten, but when Mary pointed out these two handsome adult cats, the girls fell in love. They were Maine Coon cats. They were five years old and they were brothers. They had been in the shelter for a month and a half and no one had yet adopted them.

Mary had said she'd consider getting two cats so that they could keep each other company during the day. As our luck would have it, the day we went to the shelter was a buy one get one free day. Plus, since these guys had been there for several weeks, they were available at a reduced rate. Mary is always looking for a bargain, so we got em!

The shelter had given them the names Lance & Roy. I wanted to name them Hank & Frank. Hannah and Grace won out and they now go by the names Fluffy & Furball.

And they are the nicest cats in the world.


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Sunday, August 13, 2006

Crack Cookies

"Hi. My name is Dan. I am addicted to Lofthouse Frosted Sugar Cookies."


Yesterday I bought some cookies from the store as a treat for the girls for behaving exceptionally well while their mom was out of town. I consider it bribery after the fact. It's the least I could do, right?

When Mary came home today she saw only one cookie left. She took a bite and said "I cannot resist these cookies. They are like crack to me."

So I went back to the store and bought another batch. I ate one while one the way home. We only live four blocks from the store. I think Mary is right. If crack came in cookie form, Lofthouse would my dealer.
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Sunday, August 06, 2006

Scintillate, Scintillate Globule Vivific

Scintillate, scintillate
Globule vivific
Fain would I fathom
Thy nature specific
Loftily perched
In the ether capacious
Strongly resembling
A gem carbonaceous
Scintillate, scintillate
Globule vivific
Fain would I fathom
Thy nature specific

-Author Unknown
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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

For Jenne


Okay, so maybe it's not quite the same as going through chemo, but I too once lost all my hair - and not on purpose. I haven't shared this photo in public since they shaved my head as part of my rookie inititation to the Fordham hockey team. I was not proud of the look.

So there you go Jenne. I thought I'd share to give a smile. I look like a moog, don't I?
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Sunday, July 30, 2006

Turn, Turn, Turn... To Flickr

It appeared in the Bible first. Pete Seeger put it to music. And the Byrds made it a hit.

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

I've gotten sidetracked from this blog. The last few posts have been about my artwork. While I do want you to enjoy those images, I am ready to get back to writing on the blog. As such I am going to post all future images of my paintings and illustrations over on Flickr. It's a great format for images and I'm going to use it as such. Check out the slide show... It's great.

I have posted a permanent (as if anything on the web is permanent, right?) link to my Flickr page over on the right hand side column under "Links". Appropriate, eh?

Please feel free to pass along the link to anyone who might be interested. I always welcome feedback/criticism. Thanks!

You can go straight to my Flickr page here.
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Saturday, July 29, 2006

Forbidden Alley


Colored Pencil, Marker, Airbrush. Copyright 2006 by Dan Duff.
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Forbidden Lion


Colored Pencil, Airbrush. Copyright 2006 by Dan Duff.
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Monday, July 24, 2006

Hands Of Color


Colored Pencil, Airbrush, Marker. Copyright 2006 by Dan Duff.
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Sunday, July 23, 2006

Stars & Stripes


Airbrush & Pen. Copyright 2006 by Dan Duff.
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Art Is Power


Acrylic on canvas. Copyright 2006 by Dan Duff.
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Harder Than I Thought

Okay, my idea about having you guys suggest titles for future posts is proving to be a lot harder than I thought. So far I've only really been able to deliver on one solid post - My First Arrest. I am not counting Take Your Finger Out Of There and Lost In Translation because I took the easy route with those and found a video and an image to plug in. That video still makes me crack up.

I've got the list printed out and taped next the the computer. I am keeping it there as a reminder to try to use them whenever possible. I've got to admit I have no idea right now how I will use some of them. I promise I will find a way to write a post with the headlines "There's No Dignity In Plastic" and "Fuzzy Shoulders". My muse has not spoken to me about those yet.

But since I did get a couple emails asking if the painting posted in Lost In Translation was mine and if I had others to share, I am going to talk about art for a while. And yes, that was one of my paintings. I do have prints available of some of these if you are interested. Just let me know.

So, stay tuned as we change the focus of this blog for a few days to a more cultured and sophisticated one... the art of Dan Duff. Yeah right, cultured and sophisticated? I'll let you be the judge.

Art posts coming soon. I hope you enjoy - and let me know what you think. Thanks!
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Monday, July 17, 2006

Lost In Translation


Title suggested by Steve.
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Friday, July 14, 2006

Phun With Photoshop


Mary thinks this is the scariest picture ever. I think it is hilarious.
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Friday, July 07, 2006

My First Arrest

Charlie made me do it. I was a good boy. Really. I was.

I was six and Charlie was seven. We were next door neighbors so we were, by default, friends. I have no idea where he is today. We had a fight and I bit him once. We stopped playing together and then eventually our family moved far away... ten blocks.

But before that we were friends and played together all the time. It was 1976 and I wore a yellow baseball hat, a red, white and blue wrist band, cut off jeans and a mesh tank top with the number 76 on it - all the time. I was stylin'. I have no idea what Charlie wore, though I am sure it was equally as cool. It was '76 after all. We played all the time. We played with each other and with the neighborhood kids. Our street even had it's own baseball team. We were organized by one of the older kids on the block. He and a friend from the north part of town arranged a baseball league. We lived on Maple Avenue and went by the moniker of the Maple Maulers. I can only recall one other team and they were the Forest Firemen. They lived on Forest Avenue.

We had shirts with numbers. I got one too even though I was six at the time and didn't really play. I was essentially the team mascot. Still, having a t-shirt with a number and being part of the Maulers gave me a sense of belonging. It was like we had our own gang. Nobody messes with the Maple Maulers... or their kid mascot.

Maybe it was the gang influence. Maybe it was age. Maybe it Charlie or maybe, just maybe, it was just a lack of impulse control that got me into trouble with the law.

I regret to this day that it happened. I wish I could have taken back my actions, but I cannot. I cannot take back the forward motion of my little arm that launched a wooden scrub brush at Bobby D'Andre and his bicycle. I cannot take back the fact that it hit him and made him cry. For that I feel bad.

But he was a punk. He was a seven year old punk.

The day of the incident he kept riding his bike down our street. The street that belonged to the Maulers. He taunted us. He said things that pushed our buttons. He wouldn't leave me and Charlie alone. So we plotted how to take him out. How could we let this punk know that he was on our turf. He had to learn. He had to be driven away. We were going to make an example out of him. No one messes with the Maulers. No one.

So we found a wooden scrub brush. It was probably one Charlie's dad used to keep his white walls clean. Charlie handed me the brush and told me that I should throw it at Bobby. It didn't feel right, but Charlie convinced me to do it. I thought I'd give it a try the next time he drove by. So I did. I did not really think I would hit him. I did not really think I would even come close. But I nailed him. I nailed good and hard with that brush. So hard that he started to cry immediately and raced home. There was no doubt he was going to tell his dad about this. He said so as he peddled off in tears.

So we hid. We went to our back yard and laid low. All was good until later that evening when my father got home. I do not know what was said. I do not know who he spoke with. All I know is that I was in serious trouble. Mom and Dad wore scowls. That was never good.

They told me in a very calm, yet stern manner that the Wilmette Police had called them and that I was in trouble. They had to take me to the station for an investigation into "the incident". I was mortified. The police? How could this have happened? I was only six years old! I didn't think six year olds could go to jail. What was happening to me? How could I have ruined my life so easily. My life was clearly never going to be the same. How could I get out of this? Could I blame Charlie? Was he in trouble too? Did the police call his family? I needed to talk to him immediately to get our story straight, but my parents prevented me from talking to him. There were no stops along the way. It was straight from the house to the car to the station. I was going down. Big time.

I remember the drive to the station. It was dead quiet. I remember the walk from the car to the station as dead quiet too. I swear there wasn't a cicada chirping, the wind stopped blowing and everyone, EVERYONE on the street stopped what they were doing and stared. There he goes. The foolish boy who could not control his impulses. Too bad. So young. I was a dead six year old walking.

As we walked into the station I stared at the ground. I could not bear to meet anyone eye to eye, lest that be all it took for them to pronounce me guilty and send me straight off to jail. They could do that couldn't they? Look you straight in the eye and immediately decide that your case was hopeless? They could do that couldn't they? Eyes down. Don't speak unless spoken too. Use your very best, most polite manners and no matter what do not give them an excuse to lock you away.

We sat in the hallway for an eternity before an officer finally came out from a back room and asked Dad if he could speak with me about the incident. Alone. Dad said yes. I followed the officer to his desk and he directed me to a chair to sit in. He then asked me about the incident. He knew what happened and let me know that he had already spoken with Bobby and his parents about the incident. Crud. He also told me that Charlie was there too. He was in another part of the station being interrogated about the incident by another officer. Double crud. He let me know that he had already heard Charlie's version and now wanted to hear from me what happened. So I told him.

I told him that we went to the same school as Bobby. I told him that Bobby lived on another street. I told him that Bobby was teasing us and not saying nice things to us. I told him that Bobby was bugging us.

And then he asked about throwing the scrub brush at Bobby.

"Who threw the scrub brush at Bobby?"

"I did"

"Why did you do it?"

"Charlie told me to do it."

"Did you think that was a nice thing to do?"

"No sir."

"You knew it was a bad thing, didn't you?"

"Yes, sir."

"Did you know you could have seriously injured Bobby?"

"No, sir. I mean, I guess so. I mean, I didn't think about that."

"What do you think the police should do about this now?"

Holy crud. This wasn't really a question. It was a set up for him to tell me what my punishment was going to be.

"I don't know, sir." I said

The rest of the interrogation was a blur. I couldn't think. Here I was about to be told that my life as I knew it was over. Should I cry? Would that get me sympathy? What about running? Maybe I could make a break for it and live life on the lam. Sure, I could do that. I had plenty of friends. I bet Stutz would figure out a way to help me. Maybe he could leave a window open and I could slip into their basement to sleep at night. No, wait... I could be found out. I'd have to keep running. The cops found out about the scrub brush incident pretty quickly. They would find out even quicker that Stutz and I were good friends. Running wasn't an option. I was going to have to take my lumps.

And then, somehow they let me go home. I was a free man. I was not going to jail. I was going home!

Wait. Mom and Dad couldn't send me to jail but they could also make my life miserable if they chose. And they did. They told me that this was not over and that I had to apologize to Bobby... with his dad there... and Charlie and I were not to play with each other any more.

Crud.

----------------------
Title for this post suggested by Jenne.
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Thursday, July 06, 2006

Take Your Finger Out Of There!


Post title suggested by Jeff Risley. I immediately thought of this video. I cannot help but laugh each and everytime I see this. Enjoy and thank Jeff or the idea!
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Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Now Taking Requests

Okay. Experiment time. You give me a title for a post. Any title. Just make one up, and I will write the post to go with it. Let's try to keep it clean and only three or four words to the title. Make it short and sweet and give me some room to be creative enough to make the post fit the title.

Any takers? I know there are a couple regular readers out there. C'mon, let's try it out.
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Tuesday, July 04, 2006

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. For A Five Year Old

Mary took the girls to a Fourth of July Festival down by the village center today. While there the girls each got a balloon from a magician. Grace got a pretty flower (a daffodil she says) and Hannah got a yellow bunny rabbit (with "floppy moppy ears").

The girls took their balloon creations to the party at Uncle Bill and Aunt Terry's house later in the day. On the way to the party Hannah expressed great concern that her balloon would blow away if we had all the windows rolled down. Grace likes to control her own window on nice days and wanted hers down. We agreed that it would be better for the balloons if we went with a/c.

We made the girls leave the balloons in the car while we were at the party. I had no desire to deal with a fit of screams if someone at the party were to accidentally pop a balloon. We survived the party without a balloon incident. Grace did try to pick up a sparkler with her hands, but she's okay and will heal fine.

So it was about 10:15 PM when the fireworks had ended and we finally got the girls wrangled and buckled into their seats. Hannah requested to listen to "the monkey song" aka Another Postcard by Barenaked Ladies. Soon we were jammin.

And then we heard the squeaky twists of balloon on balloon. Hannah was playing with the bunny. Then... Pop! Quicker than you could say "don't play too hard with your balloon bunny or you will likely pop the lower torso and be only left with the floppy moppy ears" the lower torso of the bunny disappeared. Hannah was left holding a still inflated pair of floppy moppy ears. The rest of the bunny lay dangling, deflated, in shreds.

And then came the tears. It was well past bedtime so over all we thought she had held out well for the majority of the evening. We anticipated a melt down at some point. But then Grace stepped in. And what she said to her sister made our hearts get warm and fuzzy. You know, the way you feel after seeing a really good Hallmark Cards commercial?

Grace said to Hannah "That's okay sissie. I'll share my balloon with you. Part of mine popped earlier, but I'll trade with you if you want." And the tears started to dry up instantly.

"Okay...sniff, sniff... I'll trade with you. Thanks. Here you go." Said Hannah

But then upon being handed a the remnants of the bunny and realizing that she was getting just the ears Grace took back her flower and tossed back the bunny to Hannah. She said quite simply "I don't want to trade for that."

And the tears started flowing. Hannah was really upset now. How dare Grace take back her offer. A deal was a deal. And then like a mob boss who just found out that his right hand man had turned state's evidence against him, Hannah said sternly... "So this is how you treat me? Where is the respect!?!? You are not giving me respect!?!!!"

Wow. I thought this was about a balloon. Apparently Hannah and Grace have some baggage between them that I am not aware of yet.
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Happy Birthday Roddy!




Happy 41st Birthday from your little brother (on the right, in the green jacket!)
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Saturday, June 24, 2006

Why Even Bother?


Another direct mail piece that arrived today. Check out the disclaimer for matching competitor coupons. It's on the left side under the photo. You may have to click on the image to enlarge it.
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Lazy Advertising = No Deal

I've been at home sick for the past three days. I hate summer colds. But what I hate more is lazy advertising. You know, the kind of ad you see where you just think to yourself "Did they really think that was the best thing to do?" or "Man, they really didn't spend anytime thinking about that did they?".

Today I received two pieces of direct mail that caused me to pause and ask "What were they thinking?"

One was from a local Nissan dealer. We used to have a Maxima so we had taken our car there in the past. We've bought cars from their Honda dealership in the past too. We have been pleased with both the sales and service relationship at the dealership so it was not surprising to get a direct mail piece from them. We've gotten them in the past. It wasn't even surprising to see the caliber of the creative. It is what you would expect. Not good.

The second piece was from Time Warner Cable. We do not have cable. In fact Time Warner Cable is on my list of companies that if given no other choice I still would not do business with them. Long story, but let's just say that they wanted to charge us $10,000 to cut down trees so they could get a line to the house. All of our neighbors have cable and didn't have to go through that. Okay... feeling a rant coming that is going to get me off topic... so back to the ads.

So we got an ad from a car dealer and an ad from a cable company. And what message did they choose to use? They both stole/borrowed/used with creative license from the TV show Deal Or No Deal. Here are the ads for each:







I expect a car dealership to add to the messaging clutter that's out there. I even expect them to rip off their message from a game show like Deal Or No Deal. I do, for some reason even though I won't do business with them, expect more from Time Warner Cable. Maybe it's because I know they can hire a big time agency to do the work. Maybe it's because I've seen some of their communication efforts that have been of a higher quality in the past. Maybe it's because when I see a car dealership do the same thing I think that Time Warner Cable has really hit rock bottom.

Now, that's slamming Time Warner Cable a lot, but perhaps I should say a thing something about O'Neill Nissan contributing to the clutter too. C'mon guys! You can do a whole lot better. In fact if you want to really stand out do not take an idea that anyone can think of and slap your name on it. Think about your customers. You must have reams of data on us. There has to be something there that you can use to develop an insightful communication. What about your sales people? Did you talk to them? They surely have some insight you could have used. Instead you were lazy and added to the clutter.

So the message here? It does not matter what size your company is, what industry you are in, what your advertising budget is... you too can produce bad advertising. All you have to do is... not think.
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Thursday, June 22, 2006

Scarred For Life

I have a scar on my head. Two actually, but only one I can see. I also have a scar on my elbow, on my left foot between my big toe and its neighbor, on my stomach, three on my shoulder, one on the middle finger of my right hand and one on my left wrist. Those are the ones that have not faded. I can still see these. Some are from surgeries. Some are from accidents.

There is a story to go with each scar. Life lessons that I am reminded of every day. Here is what I've learned from each:

Scar on middle finger of right hand: Let sleeping dogs lie. Especially if they are hung over.

Scar on left wrist: Only a licensed physician should remove a ganglion cyst. There isn't a bible big enough, nor is Gram strong enough to smash it to smithereens - though she really wanted to.

Scar on foot by big toe: Some people are inconsiderate and won't stop to help even though the damage caused was because of their actions.

Scar on elbow: recycling can be dangerous and a some politicians can be real and nice.

Scar on stomach: people who love you will make sure you are taken care of when you cannot do it yourself

Scars on shoulder: not everything can be fixed.

Scar on head: Gram, at times, has a very disturbed sense of humor.
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Saturday, June 17, 2006

Lindsey Mulligan Where Are You Now?

Tonight I was looking through some of my old notes and letters I received back in my Wienermobile days and came across one of my favorites. I never met the person who wrote it, but I imagine now that she had a personality somewhat like my eldest daughter. Here is the note she left on the windshield of the Wienermobile while Jeanne and I were eating dinner at a nearby restaurant:


When we returned to the Wienermobile and read the note we immediately packed up two wiener whistles, a watch and a hot wheels Wienermobile and left them in the mailbox for Lindsey. It was the least we could do for a fan.

I remember people asking me why we smiled all the time when we drove the big dog around. Letters like this are the reason.
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Thursday, June 15, 2006

From Normandy to Kentucky

I've been on vacation for the past two weeks. Some of the things I've done while away:
  • took three guided tours
  • visited one cemetary
  • visited one abbey
  • swam in one lake impounded (built) by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers
  • fell off a jet ski eight times (six times on purpose)
  • went fishing with my daughters (they caught six fish - three each)
  • attended a family reunion
  • spent sixteen hours in the Odyssey driving with the family
  • got sunburned twice (two different continents)
  • took four rolls of film, filled one compact flash card with photos
  • played one game of checkers
  • went swimming in both an indoor and outdoor pool
  • ate at McDonald's twice (two different continents)
  • listened to the girls watch 102 Dalmations three times; Barbie Swan Lake twice; The Worst Witch once
  • saw the world's longest tapestry
  • played sixteen holes of golf
  • walked on beaches in two different continents & found seashells at both
  • spent twenty six hours in airplanes, airports and on tarmacs
  • visited the home of Monet
  • played Trivial Pursuit
  • fixed a flat tire
  • called into the office once... officially (calling Sam's cell phone twice doesn't count does it?)
  • went to the top of the Arch in St. Louis
  • went two weeks without watching tv or reading a newspaper
  • played Sodoku and got addicted
  • read The World Is Flat by Thomas L. Friedman
  • came up with three new business opportunities, ideas for two new paintings and a video to make for the girls
  • attended a going away party for a former colleague
  • made plans to buy a kitten for the girls
  • shared a chocolate bag with Mary and Gram
  • thought up reasons to explain why I haven't posted in over three weeks and then decided to get the point across with this list
I'm sure there is more that we did, but I cannot recall all the details now. We had a wonderful time with family and friends over the past two weeks. Though it was refreshing and fun I am glad to be back at home in my own bed tonight.

Now to catch up on some sleep. Good night!
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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Heaven Left Me Feeling Slimy

This past weekend was spent at a Westin Hotel in Las Vegas. Aside from getting some really great work done, the best part of the weekend was experiencing the Westin "Heavenly Bed". It was by far the best hotel bed that I have splept in. I was on board with the experience being "heavenly".

The concept of delivering a heavenly experience extended beyond the bed to other parts of the room. They had provided heavenly towels, heavenly pillows, heavenly shower curtains (which were curved to give extra room in the shower - how heavenly).

When I woke up the first morning of our stay at the hotel I felt refreshed. I did indeed have a heavenly night's sleep. I was buying into this brand experience 100%. I was "all in" as they say in Vegas.

Leaving the comfort of my heavenly bed I strolled merrily to the bathroom to take what I anticipated to be a heavenly shower. I may have even been whistling a tune. Something perky I'm sure. I turned on the water to just the right temperature - not scalding hot, but not luke warm- somewhere in between.

I stepped into the shower and put shampoo in my hair and grabbed a bar of heavenly white soap. And this is where I got mad at the Westin. What I discovered in the shower made me temporarily forget the heavenly night's sleep I just woke from. The hotel had not delivered a 360 degree heavenly experience. In fact there was just one element that I experienced that almost ruined it all for me. The water that came out of the shower head was soft. And I hate soft water.

Now, I know I shouldn't necessarily blame the hotel for the soft water. It was probably out of their control. But I did spend quite a long time in the shower trying to get the slimy soft water feeling off my body, face and hands. I felt like Leonardo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes in the Aviator. I just could not get my hands clean. I scrubbed and scrubbed them to the point where they were starting to feel raw.

Later on in the day I shared my frustration with Sam, Mike, Ky and Julie about the soft water. Julie actually prefers soft water. For her the experience very well may have been 100% heavenly. But for me and the rest of us who prefer hard water to soft, the Westin was running a risk of failing to deliver as strong a brand experience as they could.

I know this may be asking a lot of a hotel to be able to control the water, but wouldn't that be something if they asked upon check-in to the hotel "Welcome to the Westin Mr. Duff. Would you prefer hard or soft water for your stay with us?"

Now that would be delivering a heavenly experience.
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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Not Quite The "Big Orange Head" But Close

A man walks into a bar with a pile of dog poop in his hand. He straddles up to the bar, turns to the man sitting next to him and says "Hey, look what I almost stepped in!"
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Sunday, May 21, 2006

A Celebration of Cake

I had delicious piece of cake today and I was reminded that I had written a post about cake back in January, but never uploaded it. Here it is... a few months later, yet still relevant I think....

This past week we celebrated my wife's birthday, were with our friends as their baby girl was baptized and attended the funeral of my brother-in-laws mother. Each event was a celebration of life.

One was a celebration of a life just beginning. One was a celebration of a life in progress. And one was a celebration of a life completed. The common link with these three celebrations? Aside from me and Mary? Cake. Cake was served at each function.

That isn't really surprising. Cake is often served at birthdays, baptisms and funerals. It got me thinking though... a serving of cake is really a symbolic way of celebrating life. We don't have cake every day, so does that mean we aren't celebrating life everyday? That seems wrong. I think we should celebrate life everyday. Life is too short to miss an opportunity to eat cake.

I've spent, oh, just about three minutes thinking of some suggestions for opportunities to serve cake and to celebrate life. There are really lots of opportunities. Here are a few:

At the Olympics. The Olympics are all about celebrating the world coming together right? And great athletic performances? Cake could be served at the medals ceremony. Two pieces of cake for each reason to celebrate.

After the Royals win a game. If they ever win again we'd all be celebrating wouldn't we? How about after they win everyone in attendance gets a piece of cake? I'd be more likely to attend and I think the players would play harder if they knew cake was on the line.

After completing taxes. No one likes the pain of filling out all that paperwork. Why not celebrate getting it done with a nice piece of cake.

There are lot's of everyday events we can celebrate and have cake:
  • When you get the car washed.
  • Getting a good report card.
  • Getting out of a speeding ticket.
  • Spring cleaning.
  • Finishing a long book.
  • Finishing a bad book.
  • Writing a book.
  • Getting hired.
  • Getting fired.
  • Giving birth to a child.
  • Not having to be the one who gives birth.
  • Finishing a post you started three months ago.
  • Not having to do laundry.
There are many opportunities to celebrate life each and every day.

I'm off to bed now to get some sleep, think about simple everyday events that I can celebrate and the next time I'm going to Costco to get one of their incredible sheet cakes.

So my point? Simple. Eat cake and celebrate life.

What are you going to celebrate?
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Sunday, May 14, 2006

Why I Love PBS

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways... in no particular order here are the reasons why our family remains "cable free":

1. PBS Kids (CyberChase, Clifford, Arthur... and on and on...)
2. Frontline
3. Keeping Up Appearances
4. Antiques Roadshow
5. As Time Goes By
6. Austin City Limits
7. Independent Lens
8. Nightly Business Report
9. Monty Python's Flying Circus
10. Red Green
11. Rare Visions and Roadside Revelations
12. Nature
13. Mystery!
14. BBC World News
15. Nova
16. Charlie Rose (for his guests)
17. American Masters
18. Rick Steves
19. Ken Burns
20. American Experience
21. Globe Trekkers
22. This Old House
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Sunday, May 07, 2006

What's In A Name?

The girls have been suggesting names for the baby. Let's just say that the names they've come up with would certainly make family history.

At first Hannah wanted a baby sister she could call Patsy. This is directly influenced by a book we gave her prior to Grace's arrival on the scene. In that book a girl named Hannah was told that a she was going to be a big sister again. She decided that since she already had a little brother named Sam that this one would be a girl. She would name it Patsy. Patsy would have red hair, like chocolate swirl ice cream and her first word would be "Hannah".

So... Hannah's first choice for a girls name is Patsy. Grace on the other hand wants to name the baby Orange Juice. Orange Juice? Yes. Orange Juice.

When asked what a good name would be if we had a boy Hannah suggested Benjamin. That is the name the parents gave the baby in the book (it was a boy of course). Grace wants to name the baby Orange Juice.

Then Hannah thought it would be a good idea for mommy to have twins. Twin boys in fact. She would name them Hank and Frank. We tried to tell her that we knew there was only one baby on the way, but that did not sway her away from telling mommy that she needed to have twins. Grace didn't get the idea of twins, so no input from her on naming them.

Then today Hannah started talking about baby Benjamin again. Grace heard this and interrupted by saying "We are going to name the baby Orange Juice!"

This time Hannah took note of Grace's suggestion. I guess hearing it for the fifteenth time set her off. The dialogue that followed went something like this:

"Orange Juice? We can't name the baby Orange Juice."

"Yes we can" said Grace

"No we can't. What would happen if you asked for a glass of Orange Juice in the morning and daddy put the baby on the table instead? You can't drink a baby."

"Then we'll call the baby Milky"

"But you might ask daddy for some milky and then he'd put the baby on the table again. And you might try to drink it!"

"Then we'll call the baby Hudengakepdapoo!"

That just made Hannah and Grace break out in an uncontrollable fit of the giggles. Mary and I giggled too.
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Sunday, April 30, 2006

Helmets & Goggles

On Thursday I received a phone call from a person who we had hired. She was calling to let me know that she would not be starting on Monday. In fact she was not going to be coming to work at all. Her current employer made a counter offer and she decided that it was too good an offer/opportunity to pass up. It was a surprise to hear, not for the counter offer, but for the fact that she shared with us that one of the reasons she was looking to come to work for us was because her fiancee was here in town. She is currently in another city. It seemed to be a good fit all around.

I'm disappointed. Not for the fact that she is not coming to join us. Not for the fact that her company counter offered. I cannot blame anyone for making a decision based on facts that I do not fully understand. She has to do what she feels is best for her. You have to respect that.

I am disappointed because we had waited four weeks for her to start at our agency. I wish she had made this decision sooner and let us know so we could move on. Instead we were in limbo for four weeks and now have to start the interview process again.

Sam pointed out that it is better to have this information now before she started, than to have her make a decision a day, week or month into the job. Okay. I can see that. He's been through this far more often than I. I often wonder how an owner of a business does it. I think I have an idea.

At a former job there was a saying for the pace of work. We didn't have a lot of internal help, yet had a huge workload to tackle. The VP of Marketing told me that they way to survive was all about "helmets and goggles". Just put them on and keep on truckin'.

So, with that I am mentally putting on my helmet and goggles and getting ready to keep moving forward. Onward and upward.
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Friday, April 21, 2006

I Cheated. I Feel Shame.

I thought there was no way I would go back. I was wrong.

The relationship I had been working on over the past three and half months was the right one. I knew it. I wanted it to work out. I really did. I knew cheating was bad. Cheating meant that I was weak. I'd had a long standing affair for many years. Who was I to think that I would be able to move on?

There was no pressure from the other party to get back together. There was no reason to abandon my new relationship. Sure it was new and new sometimes wears off, but it was healthy. No doubt about that. It was healthy.

I caved on Monday. Tax day.

I've tried to justify this in my head. After all when I cheated it wasn't with the one I'd been having an affair with for the past three years. I went back to the one I knew first.

Unlike Odysseus the journey I was on was self imposed. And no one nor anything was out to stop me from going back for another taste of that sweet, sweet nectar. No Scylla. No Charybdis. The only thing preventing me from going back was my own will power.

I feel I must admit my guilt publicly and ask for forgiveness from my recent partner and my previous drinking buddy. I've cheated on you both.

So I'm sorry bottled water. I owe you an apology. You were good, still are, but I could not resist the siren call of cola.

And to you Diet Dr. Pepper. I thought my affair with you was the right thing to do. After all you were diet cola. For a while I thought that was a healthy alternative.

But my first love. My drinking partner from my youth. The beverage I loved so much that I could and would drink it warm. I have come home. I missed you Classic Coca Cola. It was good to be with you again.

But if I gain back the ten pounds I lost while living with only water I will drop you like a rock. I am that fickle.
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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Bedside Book List

I'm trying a little experiment tonight. I've got a stack of books on my bedside table. I haven't thought about doing this experiment until just now, so you'll have to excuse me if this doesn't work out.

What I am going to do is to try to make a sentence out of the titles of the books on my bedside table. Now, keep in mind that I usually have a pretty big stack there all the time. The books switch in and out, but I can usually count on five or six there each day. I don't know if this will work but here goes a few attempts with the books I have here tonight:

Sentence #1:
You will Never Be Lied To Again if you First, Break All The Rules, indulge in Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, learn The Five Love Languages of Children and find work at a Creative Company that has gone from Good To Great... that is The Future of Advertising. What Did I Just Say!?!?

Sentence #2:
A Creative Company that desires to establish The Future Of Advertising must not only understand the Five Love Languages of Children, but evolve from a Good To Great company that embraces the idea that you must First, Break All The Rules, limit the amount of Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs and never Never Be Lied To Again. What Did I Just Say!?!?

Sentence #3:
The Future of Advertising involves Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs. What Did I Just Say!?!? Going from Good To Great requires that you First, Break All The Rules and learn The Five Love Languages of Children. You'll find that if you do this you will not only Never Be Lied To Again, but also discover that you work at a Creative Company.

Okay... #3 contains more than one sentence, but this is really hard to do as just one! Try it yourself. It's tough.


If you want to try this at home follow these steps:

1) Don't plan in advance. Quick - look over a the bedside table... these are the only books you are allowed to use and you must use all of them!
2) Try to use as few words as possible to link the titles together. You'll likely need to create some copy to connect the titles, otherwise it might not make sense at all and will merely be a list of books. And this is boring.
3) Try a writing the sentence a few different ways. Change the order around.
4) Link the titles to Amazon so we can check out the books in more detail.
5) Let me know if you've done this. I'd love to see what others come up with
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Grey Hair Where?

Okay... Let's get this out of the way... I have thinning hair. Okay... really thinning hair. I'm waiting for the day when I go for it and shave it down just to get rid of it. No comb overs for me.

Thinning hair is usually a good indicator that a guy is getting older. The emergence of a bald spot is definitely a key life marker. If a guy has older brothers he can pretty well watch their hairlines and gauge when his will reach the same points. Not for me though. My thin spot appeared around the same time as my eldest brother. So I was never really able to gauge when my hairline would reach certain stages.

So I cannot gauge my age by where the hairline is. I know, I should really know how old I am right? The thing is I like to keep track of things and be able to manage my own expectations. Stages of hair loss as a marker of age makes sense right? Right.

The good news is that I've found another way to gauge my age. Grey hairs.

Now it's not uncommon for guys in their twenties to get random grey hair here and there. And it's not uncommon for some guys to go prematurely grey. The key again, I think, is to keep track of what is going on with the older siblings.

I've got three older brothers so I've also got great research resources. All I have to do is to find out from them how much grey they have, when they went grey and plot it out on a calendar. An added twist to this is not to ask them how many grey hairs they have, but to find out when they first saw it on different parts of their bodies. You see, last week I found a single grey hair on my leg. I wonder when Kevin first found a grey hair on his calf?

I'll have to call each now and ask. This might be a weird conversation.
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Monday, April 10, 2006

The Montessori Redemption

Hannah goes to a great school. She really likes it. Her teacher is wonderful, the class size is just right and they have a great playground out in back. In fact, I think it's the playground she likes the best. Scratch that. I know it is the playground she likes best. And I'm talking the actual ground on which she plays, not the equipment.

Oh sure, they've got a really nice swing set, a red car and a blue car. They've also got that industrial strength play equipment that only the really nice playgrounds have. It comes in several large sections with stairs, slides, monkey bars. It's bright red, yellow and blue. Someone was nice enough to donate it to the school. It is really nice.

But what Hannah really likes is the ground on which it sits. I'm talking about the pea gravel. It's all over the place. How do I know this? Because every day she brings a pocket full of pea gravel home with her to keep in her "collection".

She's brought so much of it home over the past year that I'm beginning to think she's trying to dig a tunnel from the playground to the Sonic down the street. She loves Sonic too, though I think she's only been there once before.

I don't think she's caught on yet, but Hannah's collection doesn't seem to grow. She often brings home two pockets full of rocks, which I in turn return to the school playground each week. I feel like Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption.

On the mornings when the kids are outside before school begins I find myself shuffling my feet on the ground as I head to the clipboard to sign Hannah in for the day. As I shuffle along I subtly drop the rocks in my pockets back to the ground from whence they came. My shoes may get dusty, but this is where the rocks belong.

I'm sure she'll have more collections throughout the years, I just hope whatever she takes from school for a new collection is small enough to fit in my pockets so I can return them as needed. I'd hate to have to get special pants made.
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